When my daughter Jennifer began looking at college possibilities in high school, she was convinced there were no options unless the campus was at least 6 hours from home. Her desire to break out on her own was strong, and it became my function to nod and listen. We explored many options, including out of state universities as well as several UC's. As application time approached, UCSB was hardly an option (1 hour from home), but the box was checked anyway... How fortuitous!
As I reflect on the college career of my daughter, I am most impressed with how much she has learned about life, but I am even more aware of how much we, her parents, have learned from her.
To those with incoming freshmen, I have a few thoughts:
- Our family's college experience has been mostly about Jen's choices. They weren't all perfect...but they were hers.
- Who among us hasn't made mistakes? The university was not there to babysit, or to impose parental wishes. I had to trust her judgement, and allow her to make her decisions, both personally and scholastically.
- We, her parents, realized slowly that our best function was one of support-sort of a non-judgmental parental "safety net". We no longer had direct control of her day to day activities anyway. In fact, we didn't even know about many of them until they were yesterday's news... We tried to give our daughter the space to grow and develop. Many times this meant allowing her to contact us, or having her ask for our opinion (not an opportunity to tell her what to do!) about some issue or decision.
- By standing back, I believe we were better able to enjoy her progress, and to respect the adult she was becoming. We too made mistakes in this process, but the outcome has been worth the effort. Jen is now a fascinating young woman, a hard working student, an important friend to her peers, and a responsible employee. She has gained cultural perspective from a working semester traveling around the world-initiated and mostly paid for through her efforts. As her parent, none of this growth was achieved through my choices... Jen owns this education, it will be her diploma...but we are also beneficiaries.
So, to parents of new incoming students:
- We want the best for our children, and we think we know what is best, don't we? My own greatest lesson from this university experience has been to realize now, that my daughter knows what is best for my daughter!
- Be there to listen, not direct. You will probably hear more about your student's life than you heard when they lived at home! You have already given your son or daughter the tools to make the right decisions. Let them do it. Enjoy standing back and watching proudly...they won't disappoint you.
- David Hall,
Father of a Law and Society Graduate
I wish I could write a novel about the entire "preparing for college" saga! Because no one in our family had gone off to a university, the pursuit of this dream permeated our desires for our first born. We spoke about college and the value of education ad nauseam.
Devon loves life and the last two years of high school were unbelievably wonderful yet stressful for her and us. Pursuing and thriving on every challenge that came her way, she filled every minute and we were swept along with it.
As we prepared for Devon to go away for college, I found myself worrying about her everyday life away from us. Should she work? How much money would she need? How would she get around? Would she be successful? How would our relationship be affected? I realize now that I gave much more consideration to her adjustments than I did to the adjustments of the rest of the family.
Though we had talked about the changes we could expect once Devon had moved to college, we couldn't have really known how different life would be without her presence and energy. Even though we have two other active children, our home was suddenly incredibly quiet. Meals weren't as loud, there was less laundry, lots less stress and I had so much more time. I didn't realize how much of my own time and energy was wrapped up in supporting Devon and her activities. We all missed her terribly, yet it was wonderful to watch her "take the next step" and it was clear that she was ready for it. Still, I worried about her.
I had become so accustomed to watching her in a whirlwind of activity, carefully balancing many balls simultaneously. For the first quarter at UCSB, our daughter did nothing beyond going to class, doing her homework and socializing. From my perspective, she seemed to have taken this huge step backwards in terms of her participation in the world. It was bizarre and I worried about her. However, she was completely happy and excelling academically. She was meeting people who lived and thought differently. She was exposed to passionate professors who challenged her. She called the shots on her commitments, and I think for the first time in her life, she didn't worry about letting anyone down. She simply focused on herself.
I didn't realize how important this separation was for her growth. She needed to separate not only from her family, but from a community that constantly asked things of her. She came home only occasionally, though we spoke often. It was a time of mixed emotions for all of us. When she came home the first few times, she felt pulled in every direction and I felt sad that there was no time for the marathon talks we used to have. She would however, share stories with me and I could hear in her responses how she was growing. She is now taking steps to get involved on campus. She is carefully selecting activities which nourish her and each time she comes home, she feels less of a need to fit everything and everyone in.
How I wish I could have known two years ago that Devon would be accepted to UCSB. The stress of the process of getting here, complicated by the fact we didn't know for sure that she would be accepted, made it difficult to enjoy the process. The fact that she is at UCSB is a highlight of her life...and therefore, of ours. It is a wonderful thing to watch your child mature and move on in the direction of adulthood. It is a little painful around the edges, but wonderful, nonetheless. After Spring Break, Devon called to let us know that she had gotten back to the campus safely. Her message said it all. "Just wanted to let you know I got home OK. It was great visiting. Love you!" She is evolving just as she should be! And I guess we are, too.
- Barbara DeRousseau,
Mother of a Dance Major
We have had the unique experience of having two daughters who have both graduated from UCSB as non-traditional re-entry transfer students. Both had very different living experiences: one is a single parent of an eight year old son who lived with her in Family Student Housing; the other daughter moved in with us to attend UCSB, and has a 24-year old son living in Oceanside.
Because one of our daughters lived with us, we have seen how much dedication it takes from these students, and how difficult it was for them to adjust to the stresses of University life. We tried to help both in any way that we could, whether it was bringing groceries and aspirin to our daughter (and grandson) at Family Student Housing when she had the flu and was studying for exams, or doing laundry for them on occasion, or picking up fast food for them both when they had papers due. Sometimes we picked up our grandson and kept him overnight so his mom could finish writing a paper that was due the next day.
We can't really say that it has always been a lot of fun, but it certainly has been interesting, and enlightening. We can say that we are truly proud of them both and their sons are proud of their moms too!
- Midge and Jack Carr,
Parents of Two Re-entry/Non-traditional Transfer Students
This message is for all you fathers who are dealing with the issue of separating from your son or daughter as they leave for college. As Nick went about his job of preparing for going away to college, his mother also prepared herself. Both of them talked about what it would be like; Nick on his own for the first time, my wife without her firstborn in our home. Although at times it was painful to discuss this major change in each of their lives, it was a necessary process in helping them cope.
As a father, I felt it was the most natural course of events in a young person's life. You reach 18 and become an "adult," graduate from high school and go on with your education by going away to college. I didn't need any preparation for this change in my life. I didn't need to learn how to cope with change. It would just happen and life would go on as normal.
Well, it doesn't work that way. Everything was fine on the trip down to Santa Barbara. Nick and I stayed overnight in Goleta and got up early to move ALL of Nick's worldly possessions into his dorm room, had a quick lunch and then it was time for me to say goodbye and start the long trip back home. I knew Nick was anxious for me to leave so he could meet his roommate and start his new college life. We had prepared him well for this time in his life. We hugged goodbye and I walked to our van and prepared to drive away. That was when it hit me full force, like a bucket of ice water. I felt a terrible loss. Nick was REALLY leaving our household and life would never be quite the way it had been for the last 18 years. That drive home seemed extremely long. My mind raced through our life together, from the day he was born all the way to this point in his young life. When I finally reached home, I spent a long time in his empty room, experiencing a variety of emotions. My children often say that they have never seen me cry. They missed their chance that day.
So, all you fathers out there, here is my advice. Prepare yourself for the departure of your child by talking to them and telling them how much you will miss them. It's okay to show your emotions and share your feelings with your son or daughter. It will feel good for both of you. Just because they are 18 and maybe a foot taller than you doesn't mean they are not the same person you loved and protected and worried about for all those years. Deal with it before he or she leaves for college because if you don't, you will have to deal with it alone later and believe me, it's much harder on your own.
- Tim Duggan,
Father of a Communication Graduate
The thought of our little girl leaving home and living on her own terrified us. We knew we were going to miss her dearly. One thing that helped was that we moved her into her room on a Saturday, left her that evening, and returned the following weekend. We were able to ease out of our fears and loneliness. We were soon at great ease because the school administration is well trained to handle the new students. There are so many activities to get them acquainted with the administrators, with the campus, and the thousands of fellow new students who are going through the same strange experience. They really start relying on each other for the emotional support they had with us. The school also has many ways to keep parents involved with regularly mailed periodicals and, of course, the not to be missed "Parents Weekend"
Our loneliness was tempered by an unlimited cell phone plan (a must), and of course, the internet. With her digital camera always snapping away, we were kept current with a steady stream of e-mailed photos of our daughter growing up. There was nothing to fear, we learned, and the loneliness was replaced with anxious anticipation of her return on breaks or our visits to Santa Barbara.
-John and Julie Amodeo,
Parents of an Undeclared Freshmen
My experience began when we attended orientation together. I was struck immediately with the beauty of the UCSB campus, glad that my daughter would be able to attend this school and wishing I could fall back into an academic environment and start over. Then I realized that I was too old to start over, at least that far back. I missed her, but felt excitement to experience her college experiences through her. It has been very rewarding to observe her search for success, make choices and learn to live life.
- Chris Gonaver,
Father of a Senior Environmental Studies and Geography Major
Like a Boy Scout, you need to be prepared-in this case, prepared to let go and to enjoy watching your student grow and change. When we took our daughter to UCSB nearly two years ago, we were ready and she was ready. When we left her there, no one cried, because no one was sad. We were happy to see our only child off on this academic adventure! Of course it did help that she let us help her unpack and make her bed. Be prepared for change-the teen I left in September was not the woman who came to visit in November. I recognized her, of course. The physical changes were subtle-a difference in carriage and a more confident look in her eyes. She's still my baby, but she's becoming her own woman.
Be prepared for some problems. It is hard for a student to adapt to being "average" after years of being "the best". Also, there's so much for them to learn that they just can't get it all at once!
Aside from academics, there are personal growths, new freedoms, new friends and new responsibilities. My daughter has had some trouble managing money and, as a diabetic, her health. But we have found that an extra $10 near the end of the quarter helps, and that Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital is excellent!
Prepare yourself-the child who's been the center of your existence for 18 years isn't home anymore, though she is at the other end of the telephone. But it is her time to be off in an intellectual wonderland and it is our time as parents to grow and change too. We have our lives back, but to be honest, I am a little jealous of her.
- Amy Bettencourt,
Mother of a Junior Economics/Mathematics Major
The best way to deal emotionally with your student leaving home is to keep busy. Parents need to shift their interests at home to other activities, and realize that a grieving period will occur after your student leaves. Parents should learn their new parental role through talking to staff at orientation, and counselors if need be. It is important to learn as much as possible about the university, so that you can be informed on your child's surroundings when they come to you with needs, concerns, or stories. I have maintained my relationship with my daughter by fostering a non-judgmental attitude with her, and letting her know that she is free to call me anytime. I also try to send care packages to her every now and then, to let her know I think about her. Know that you have already instilled values in your student, and trust them to make sound judgements on their own.
-Lisa La Due,
Mother of a Sophomore Political Science Major and French Minor
Even though he was six feet four inches tall, I still consider him to be my baby boy. Of course I had to keep these thoughts to myself or he would be upset if he knew what I was thinking. He was the youngest of two, and his departure to UCSB symbolized a new era in my son's life. My children were my life, or so it seemed. How could I survive him being gone? Who was going to look after him? Would he find friends? Was he going to forget about me? Was I going to lose my importance in his life?
As we drove from Playa del Rey to Santa Barbara, I went over these questions again and again in my head. As I forced myself to seem cheery, so not to spoil the festive event that our drive to Santa Barbara should be, the sadder I became. The car was loaded with all of his belongings. As we pulled up to the Anacapa Residence Hall, he almost skipped back and forth as he swiftly unloaded the car. I, on the other hand, moved lethargically as if each of my legs weighed one hundred pounds. Finally, the car was unloaded. He stood there impatiently waiting for us to leave. "I thought we were going out to lunch?" I said weakly. "Oh!" my son said trying to hide his disappointment that we were not leaving immediately. The contrast in our demeanor was obvious. My son was excited and looking forward to this new adventure. I dreaded facing the huge hole his moving away from home would leave in my life. I was sure there was no one to look after or properly care for my son.
After my son rushed us through lunch, we headed back to campus. My son announced that we could drop him off at the entrance gate so we did not have to bother parking the car. We pulled over as he requested. He got out of the car. I got out of the car to give him a big hug with crocodile tears in my eyes. It was the dreaded moment of separation. We hugged and I began to cry again. After what seemed like sixty seconds, he opened the car door for me to step back inside the car. He said, "Good-bye Mom" and closed the door.
5 things to Share with Other Parents:
- I did not realize that my relationship with my son was going to expand and become more enriched after he moved away.
- I did not realize what a good job I had done to prepare him to become a responsible young man.
- There was a brand new life waiting for me to explore besides being a "Mom".
- I did realize, but I was living my life through my son - I needed to get a life.
- I did not realize it at the time, but my son had all of the tools he needed and the school provided the structure for my son to thrive without my watchful eye.
- Pamela DeNeuve,
Mother of a Philosophy Graduate
When my daughter first left for college I felt very lonely. It was the first time I had lived alone since she was born and I missed her a lot. I didn't understand how to go the grocery store and only shop for only one person! Within a few weeks or so I began to enjoy the freedom of being on my own. I began to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I could go and do whatever I wanted and I didn't have to "check in". I didn't have to watch over her on a daily basis. She had become much more independent and I had less responsibility for her actions. She was becoming an adult and I had to let that happen. She and I talked on the phone frequently and I would go visit her as often as I could. I would stay overnight at one of the five Motel 6's in the area. I did spend the night once and only once in her dorm room. Not so bad really. Her roommate wasn't there and it was relatively quiet but the bathroom was down the hall and public showers didn't suit me all that well.
She comes home on almost all of her breaks and holidays. She looks forward to it very much. Her older sister has moved in with me recently so when Josie comes home we are all together and it's a great time for all of us. She takes the Amtrak either one way or both ways or I go get her and bring her back. The transportation has worked out in a variety of ways. UCSB is about 175 miles from where I live so it's doable in one day.
This year she moved into an apartment in Isla Vista. I was skeptical at first, but she wanted to try it and it's worked out well. Apartment living has different issues than the dorms, but I think it was a good move for her. I think it may actually have worked out to be less expensive as well. My daughter has forced me to trust her decisions and she has made good ones. I am very proud of her that she takes college seriously and wants to do well. She has exceeded my expectations and I am so very proud of her.
My advice to new parents: Trust your son or daughter. Be there for them when they need you. Tell them the truth even if they don't want to hear it. Question them if it doesn't sound right. Listen when they want to talk and leave them alone sometimes to work it out for themselves. Talk on the phone or go visit a lot. Don't ever forget how much they love you.
- Helene Shrader,
Mother of a Communication and Philosophy major
|
|